Those Infernal School Photos

Can you name anything else that you have to buy before you even see the product? And we all accept it as normal! Infernal school photos! 

How often have you thought, no I won’t get any this year. And then feel guilty and end up buying the whole pack. Because they’re not just photographs, they’re memories, you can’t put a price on memories. 

They won’t be this small forever. Look how cute they look in their school uniform!

And there you are,  you’ve bought that jumbo grandparents pack only to find that in the photo,  your little monkey is practically unrecognisable?  

That weird smirk, forced grin or is it a grimace?

“Who’s this?” your child will ask years later.  

“That’s you!”

“Noooo. No really? Wow, I was scary!”

Then there’s the ones that were taken the day after monkey fell out of a tree and has cuts and bandaids all over their face… or the bad haircut… or the bee sting.

Oh, and how could someone not notice that the arm in a sling has a perfectly working middle finger sticking up?

And this one he’s got one eye closed! Did they think that was a permanent state?  Who knows? The monkey could’ve held that face for hours before the shot was taken.

“Why have we got this random class photo?”

“Because it’s my class.”

“But you’re not even in it!”

“Yes I am.  Look. Back there.”

“Mmm yes, that could be the top of your head I guess. Were you ducking down?”

“I just had to scratch my leg.”

And you’re wondering what you’re going to do with all these photos that look exactly the same but are different shapes and sizes.

No-one wants the bookmark picture.  It seems they all just read eBooks, or Facebook, or Snapchat, or whatever.

Don’t even try to pass off that really huge picture to Grandma again.

“Honestly I’m running out of room for these darling!  I’ve got 11 grandchildren, and every year they have another photo! I’m not a museum! I suppose you can give me the wallet sized one, but who am I going to relegate?”

Or the super special ones you pay extra for – the sibling photo!  You can guarantee there is always one sibling with a beautiful smile, and the other scowling about the ignominity of having to put their arm around their snotty sibling and “smile”.  You know as soon as you see it, that you’ll have that whole packet sitting in the cupboard until you discover it one day in ten years time when you’re moving house.  You’d rather that than have all the relo’s comparing the lovely one and that other one.

And then… they get to high school.

They’ve more than likely learnt how to take a good photo by now.  Closed mouth smile, pout, surprise eyes, sad eyes, grim face, hate face.  The options are many and full of photographic joy!

At least you have a 50/50 chance of getting an image of your teen smiling.  You can hang many copies of this around the house to remind you that the scowl on their face isn’t permanent and may one day wash off.

I dream of a day where you can see the actual bloody photo before you have to commit to buying it.  And when the Basic Pack really is just basic with a couple of pics of your kid and a class photo, and you don’t have to go without food for the week to pay for it. 

Come on people! A bit of civil disobedience you reactionaryists (it’s a word)!  Refuse to buy the photos! Together we can change the world (of school photos).